Can you also say »I don’t want to talk to you« with your feet?

Yes. At the very least, you can use your feet to indicate that you’ve had enough of the conversation. For example, by turning one foot towards the door. Or by fidgeting with your feet, or even by pointing both feet away from the person you’re talking to while only half-heartedly keeping your upper body turned towards them.

You’ve probably done something like this yourself. Usually without even realizing it. The question is: Is this kind of foot language actually understood? Does anyone consciously look at your feet and think, »Oh, this person doesn’t want to talk to me anymore«? What if, for example, you deliberately take a step backwards, but the other person immediately steps forward and doesn’t notice at all that you were trying to retreat? What’s more, some people constantly fidget with their feet because their legs hurt or because they feel restless.

Looking at and analyzing the feet in isolation leads to a high error rate. So while you can express a lot with your feet, that doesn’t help much if the other person doesn’t understand the signals. It is much more helpful to clearly say what you want — or what you don’t want.

Crossed arms mean disinterest

The same applies to arm language. How often have we heard that, for example, crossed arms are supposed to express disinterest, rejection, or a desire to distance oneself? This myth is remarkably persistent, but it is still a myth. Numerous studies have repeatedly tried to prove this assumption, but no credible evidence has been found.

More often, crossed arms simply mean that someone is cold. Some people cross their arms because they are sitting on a chair without armrests. Others do it because they don’t know what to do with their hands when standing. Or because it is simply comfortable. Or because someone is holding back during a conversation and listening attentively without wanting to speak themselves.

Here, too, the same applies as with the feet: You cannot tell from a single body-language gesture whether someone is uninterested in the conversation. You are more likely to recognize it from a combination of several factors.

For example: If someone crosses their arms, leans back, pulls the corners of their mouth down, and rolls their eyes, what does that tell us? This person is certainly not showing much interest or goodwill. But if someone crosses their arms at a party while listening attentively to another person, leans forward towards them, or even laughs occasionally, that clearly signals interest.

More important than the feet: Eye contact

Since we normally look at someone’s face rather than their feet, eye contact allows you to express much more — and it is also more likely to be understood. Eye contact says it all. You are making contact, and you can use it to express: »You are my world right now.« This kind of undivided attention can create a strong sense of closeness and strengthen the relationship.

If, on the other hand, you would rather not continue talking to the person, break the (eye) contact. I experience this from time to time at networking events, when someone is officially talking to me but keeps scanning the room, making sure they don’t miss anything. They may even say quietly, »I’m listening to you, I’m completely focused on you.« But they aren’t.

For one thing, focusing on a single thing automatically filters out other stimuli. If their gaze were directed at me, that attention would work like a flashlight, and the conversations happening around the room would be less noticeable to the person I’m talking to. That means they can listen to me better.

But when their gaze keeps wandering around the room, this »attention flashlight« shines on all sorts of things, and my voice and words receive less attention. The same thing happens when someone is constantly glancing at their Apple Watch or checking their phone every time it goes »bling.« In those moments, their gaze shifts away, and there is no (eye) contact.

Does there always have to be eye contact?

No. If you are introverted and prefer to look away, then do so. But in that case, it can be helpful to explain it: »Don’t be surprised if I look away when I’m concentrating particularly hard. I often do that.«

And please don’t feel pressured to stare intensely at the people you’re talking to. That tends to feel uncomfortable for both sides.

Even when you are having a conversation while walking, you don’t have to constantly turn your head to the side to maintain eye contact. Of course, you can look straight ahead or at the ground so you don’t trip. But every now and then, look over at the person walking beside you to signal: »I’m mentally present with you and our conversation, not with the deer over there in the woods.« Which, admittedly, can also be quite interesting.